I’ve had several of my readers ask me why I don’t stay consistent with my blog. Sometimes I will write several post a week and other times I will go MIA for a month. Well, that is a more complex questions than you think, my friend.
It’s because I suffer from depression and anxiety.
They both rule my life and control my moods more than you could imagine. It’s something I wish I could change about myself, but…it will never go away. Yes, there will be months or years that are easier than others. But their is no cure for my depression and anxiety.
Is this an off topic article for me? Yes! Is it difficult to talk about your feelings and be so raw with a community of people. Whether you know them or not. Yes!!! But let’s talk about this:
What I hate about my disorder:
1. As I age, my depression has made me a far more critical person than I use to be. I hate this about myself.
2. My depression has caused me to… search(?) (I don’t exactly know how to put this in words). My depression causes me to have mini flashbacks to some of the worst parts of my life. And if you know me, then you’ve probably experienced my “tick” without even knowing it. I get a glazed-over look, I re-play and awful moment in my mind, I shame myself, get extremely uncomfortable, shake my head and make this strange “ehhh” noise.
3. When I was younger, well, earlier 20s, I had several people tell me that they were friends with me because I didn’t care what anyone thought about me and I was so carefree and careless and that is something they adored about me. This is just not as true these days. Sometimes, I don’t leave the house for over a week because I cannot fathom having to deal with the outside world. Simply, it is just too much to bare.
4. Working from home has been a godsend for my anxiety but is the absolute worst for my depression. It has helped me foster a sheltered existence, however, working from home allows me to shut out the world. It is the worst and best part of my everyday.
5. Things that would only slightly stress out other people can completely wreck my life.
6. It has me fearful to have a child. Why? Well, for one, it’s hard enough for me to take care of myself. Our friends will tell you, Edward needs more attention than a newborn and I can’t actually imagine having to take care of him, myself, and a baby. It sounds like my own personal hell. I need at least 5 hours a day to myself to even be able to function. And sleeping hours don’t count. Secondly, I would never wish upon anyone the everyday struggles I deal with, but I certainly would never want to give them to my child.
7. My friends will tell you my most quotable one liner, “I need a Klonopin before I can even consider leaving this house!” Hopefully, this will one day change, but I don’t think it will.
8. My depression has caused me to miss out on so much in my life. Just this year I have canceled two trips that I had planned. Back in Febuary, Edward and I were meant to go to Chicago. My excuse for not going was inclement weather. And while that was partially true, the non depressed me would have made it work and we would have made our way to the windy city instead of spending the weekend at home. My sister is finally graduating from Vet school this May and I couldn’t be more proud of her, however, making the trip to Minnesota and being surrounded by my family is absolutely dreadful for me and I am already searching for excuses to get out of going. That alone makes me feel like a terrible person. If I don’t go, then everyone will say how selfish I am and everyone will be mad at me. If I do go, I can promise you that I will have a small mental breakdown and will be uncomfortable every second of every day.
9. There’s no telling what mood I will be in tomorrow, of five hours from now, or better yet 5 minutes from now, and not knowing is exhausting.
10. Sometimes I can be the most witty and sarcastic person in the world. But I hide behind my sarcasm. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is one of my best qualities, but I hide behind it none the less. Other months, I have no personality to hide behind.
Just writing this article sent me into a mood. And now for the rest of tonight I will be in a funk. Eddie will be bubbly and happy like he always is (he is my savior) and I will be a debbie downer and it will only make me feel worse about myself. I will tell myself that he deserves someone just as happy as he is. I will tell myself that I am not a good wife because I can’t handle his hour long tangents about a random topic (can anyone though?) and he deserves someone to listen to him. I will tell myself that he will eventually get tired of me and leave. It will be a hard night for me.
And once all of you, and Edward, are soundlessly asleep, my anxiety will jolt me awake and I will spend an hour alone sobbing and trying to calm myself before I climb back into bed and stare at a blank wall for hours until I can fall back asleep.
I know that a lot of you out there will not be able to relate with me at all. And for that, I am very happy for you. However, I know that others will know exactly how I feel and sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone.