How My Depression Is Slowly Killing Who I Am

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I’ve had several of my readers ask me why I don’t stay consistent with my blog. Sometimes I will write several post a week and other times I will go MIA for a month. Well, that is a more complex questions than you think, my friend.

It’s because I suffer from depression and anxiety.

They both rule my life and control my moods more than you could imagine. It’s something I wish I could change about myself, but…it will never go away. Yes, there will be months or years that are easier than others. But their is no cure for my depression and anxiety.

Is this an off topic article for me? Yes! Is it difficult to talk about your feelings and be so raw with a community of people. Whether you know them or not. Yes!!! But let’s talk about this:

What I hate about my disorder:

1. As I age, my depression has made me a far more critical person than I use to be. I hate this about myself.

2. My depression has caused me to… search(?) (I don’t exactly know how to put this in words). My depression causes me to have mini flashbacks to some of the worst parts of my life. And if you know me, then you’ve probably experienced my “tick” without even knowing it. I get a glazed-over look, I re-play and awful moment in my mind, I shame myself, get extremely uncomfortable, shake my head and make this strange “ehhh” noise.

3. When I was younger, well, earlier 20s, I had several people tell me that they were friends with me because I didn’t care what anyone thought about me and I was so carefree and careless and that is something they adored about me. This is just not as true these days. Sometimes, I don’t leave the house for over a week because I cannot fathom having to deal with the outside world. Simply, it is just too much to bare.

4. Working from home has been a godsend for my anxiety but is the absolute worst for my depression. It has helped me foster a sheltered existence, however, working from home allows me to shut out the world. It is the worst and best part of my everyday.

5. Things that would only slightly stress out other people can completely wreck my life.

6. It has me fearful to have a child. Why? Well, for one, it’s hard enough for me to take care of myself. Our friends will tell you, Edward needs more attention than a newborn and I can’t actually imagine having to take care of him, myself, and a baby. It sounds like my own personal hell. I need at least 5 hours a day to myself to even be able to function. And sleeping hours don’t count. Secondly, I would never wish upon anyone the everyday struggles I deal with, but I certainly would never want to give them to my child.

7. My friends will tell you my most quotable one liner, “I need a Klonopin before I can even consider leaving this house!” Hopefully, this will one day change, but I don’t think it will.

8. My depression has caused me to miss out on so much in my life. Just this year I have canceled two trips that I had planned. Back in Febuary, Edward and I were meant to go to Chicago. My excuse for not going was inclement weather. And while that was partially true, the non depressed me would have made it work and we would have made our way to the windy city instead of spending the weekend at home. My sister is finally graduating from Vet school this May and I couldn’t be more proud of her, however, making the trip to Minnesota and being surrounded by my family is absolutely dreadful for me and I am already searching for excuses to get out of going. That alone makes me feel like a terrible person. If I don’t go, then everyone will say how selfish I am and everyone will be mad at me. If I do go, I can promise you that I will have a small mental breakdown and will be uncomfortable every second of every day.

9. There’s no telling what mood I will be in tomorrow, of five hours from now, or better yet 5 minutes from now, and not knowing is exhausting.

10. Sometimes I can be the most witty and sarcastic person in the world. But I hide behind my sarcasm. Don’t get me wrong, I think it is one of my best qualities, but I hide behind it none the less. Other months, I have no personality to hide behind.

Just writing this article sent me into a mood. And now for the rest of tonight I will be in a funk. Eddie will be bubbly and happy like he always is (he is my savior) and I will be a debbie downer and it will only make me feel worse about myself. I will tell myself that he deserves someone just as happy as he is. I will tell myself that I am not a good wife because I can’t handle his hour long tangents about a random topic (can anyone though?) and he deserves someone to listen to him. I will tell myself that he will eventually get tired of me and leave. It will be a hard night for me.

And once all of you, and Edward, are soundlessly asleep, my anxiety will jolt me awake and I will spend an hour alone sobbing and trying to calm myself before I climb back into bed and stare at a blank wall for hours until I can fall back asleep.

I know that a lot of you out there will not be able to relate with me at all. And for that, I am very happy for you. However, I know that others will know exactly how I feel and sometimes it’s nice to know you’re not alone.

 

 

Comments

amotherworld

You are not alone! I agree, being home helps with the anxiety but it feeds into the depression. It’s easy to stay sheltered in your own little world, but it’s not healthy. I hope medication is helping you? I too have cancelled plans because of my current mood and it sucks. I hope you feel better soon.

    Alexandria

    It’s always nice to know that other people understand you. I completely agree with what you said about it helping feed your depression. Medication does help. Unfortunately, my husband and I have made a move away from our home town and getting into a new doctors office and getting my medicine approved has been harder than I originally thought. Hopefully soon I will be back on track. Thank you for reaching out!

Emily of Em Busy Living

I’m so sorry you are suffering with this. While I’m no longer in the depths of my own depression, it hints at me every so often and tries to pull me back under. You’re not alone in this.

    Alexandria

    I am so happy you have found your way through the “fog” as I call it. I too have overcome it at times but it always seems to find a way to capture me again. Thank you for your kind words Emily!

Sarah Robinson

thank you for being brave and allowing others into your world. You are not alone by any stretch and this is the start of breaking the silence. Be it grief, depression, or anxiety…talking about it is the first step to letting light in and healing each morning as we face a new day. Thank you for this!

Haley Hanniford Beverly

Thank you for posting this. I also suffer from anxiety

Kayla Nelson

Alexandria, I can so relate to so much of this. I recently went through a freedom from a depression, not the same as what you’re facing but mine had to do with my identity and some ptsd from an emotionally abusive relationship. I can tell you confidently that processing and getting all of this out in the open is a HUGE step towards your freedom. It will also encourage other to open up about their struggles and any time that happens, it means that your life’s yuck has just positively impacted someone else leading to a chain reaction of freedom opening freedom. Keep on, girl! You are doing wonderful and baby steps is all we can do to accomplish our battles sometimes. <3

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    It’s always nice when it let’s go of it’s handle on you! I am so sorry that you are dealing with ptsd. My sister is going through the same thing right now and for the same reason. I am currently coming to terms that I cannot handle this all on my own and am going to start talking with someone about my struggles. I think it will make a huge impact. Thank you for all of your kind words and motivation. I hope you find peace in yoir battle as well!

Amanda | Chasing My Sunshine

I am so glad you found the courage to type this up and post it on the internet. My anxiety and depression have been up, down, and all around especially in my graduate program. Now that I’m nearing the end of it, my anxiety is at an all time high. I 100 thousand million % agree that not knowing what mood you’ll be in from one second to the next is exhausting.

You are not alone! If you need to talk about any aspect of this, you’ve got an internet blogging buddy right here.

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    Me too! It was honestly the most nerve wracking post I’ve ever published and honestly I wrote it two months ago but kept talking myself out of publishing it. I am sorry to hear that your depression and anxiety are getting to you at the moment. I know how hard it is to stay motivated. I keep wanting to get back to school to pursue another degree but haven’t found the strength, so I commend you!

    It is good to know I am not alone and you can always come to me if you need someone to talk to!

Sarah @ Back to Carolina

You are certainly not alone. I blogged regularly for awhile since it was the only hobby that I could keep up with (I have severe depression and physical disabilities). Now I’ve disappeared for 3 months. I used to be so passionate about it, but now I feel nothing.
You are so brave to open up about this. I talk about my physical ailments, but I hardly ever open up about the emotional toll. My husband takes care of me all of the time.

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    I am so sorry to hear about all the ailments you suffer from. I am sure your physical ailments take a toll on your depression. I suffer from PCOS and it plays a huge role in my depression. My blog is the best part of my day and I hope to make a career out of it, however, lie you said depression takes over and I lose my passion.

    It’s great that you have a supporting husband that takes care of you. I turn to my husband everyday and he helps to ease my pain. You are brave for talking about you ailments! Perhapses one day you will be able to talk about how it affects you. It took a lot of encouragement and many months for me to publish this article.

Natalie H.

You are NOT alone. I struggle with both of these as well. My life is a hot mess right now and sadly my blog is proof if that. My blog has become more of a hobby. I’ll do really good one week and then, nothing for 2 weeks. I want to be better, I want to not suffer, but until then. I write about what’s on my mind, that has really helped me. I also found a great group of ladies online non bloggers, but we all have one music artist in common and we are like a family, all different ages and I go to them for support. Sometimes, it’s better supper than my actual family. Find yourself a group of supporters to hold you up when you can’t. That’s how you get through this, that’s what I’ve learned. <3

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    Thank you for all of the kinds words Natalie! I am so happy for you that you have found a group of people that you can go to when you are having a hard time. It’s always nice to be able to rely on others, it helps make things easier. I hope that you are well.

Captainrolio

This took a lot of courage to post. Thank you for sharing. It has inspired me to open up more about another subject I thought was difficult to write about.

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    It took a lot of close friends convincing for me to have the courage to finally publish this article. it’s never easy to talk about our secrets, however, through this experience I have learned that it is helpful and there are a lot of understanding people out there. Thank you for taking the time to comment and the kind words!

Daisy @ Simplicity Relished

Thinking of you, friend, and grateful for your courage in writing this. As you wrestle through this journey I hope you know that even in the darkest days you’re an encouragement to others and you are deeply loved! xo

Kelly @ The Wandering Blonde

This breaks my heart, Alexandria! So sorry you have to deal with this day in and day out. I can relate on some level, especially point #5. I’ve suffered from anxiety attacks since I was around 12, and sometimes I wonder why things that realistically I know are so small, can push me over the edge and make me feel like my life is coming to an end. It always feels like I’m so close to the breaking point, and it just makes me feel like I’m being ridiculous!

I also just want to point out that while you think of your husband as your savior, he probably thinks of you that way too. I’m sure he’s so proud of you! Stay strong! <3

    Allie A Modern Girl's Travel

    I am so sorry that you have anxiety attacks! They are the worst and can be so crippling. Some of my family and friends don’t understand how my anxiety affects me and they’re always telling me to just calm down, but we can’t help how it effects us. Btw, you are not ridiculous however, i know that you mean because I tell myself the same thing all the time.

    You are right! My husband has been so great through this process and he won’t stop telling me how proud he is of me for publishing this!

    Thank you for all the kind words Kelly, I appreciate them as much as I appreciate you!

Ana De Jesus

Your not alone hun, I have depression and anxiety myself and can switch within moments. My anxiety is severe to the point of having panic attacks and my depression is just as bad. But I persevere because I know that I have a lot to offer and I force myself to leave the house everyday so that I can interact with the world and make me feel a little better xxx http://www.fadedspring.co.uk

Raquel

I feel exactly like this most days…we are in this together.

sarah weaver

Thank you for this honest post. I also suffer from depression. The ups and downs can be so difficult. It rules my ability to engage with people and be productive as well.

You have an amazing blog.. keep up all the great work! I am following along 🙂

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